Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dear NASA, I Officially Request One Space Shuttle

Public Communications Office
NASA Headquarters
Suite 5K39
Washington, DC 20546-0001
[email protected]

Dear NASA,

On my way into work today I heard that you’re looking for a new home for the newly retired space shuttles. It seems that a lot of prestigious museums are getting in on the action and I thought, why not me?

Sure, I’ve never really been into NASA, space, shuttles, or even airplanes but I have a few reasons why I’m the best candidate:

  • Growing up watching contestants on Saturday morning kids shows go to space camp every week, I’ve heard a lot about space camp and that bouncy thing looks fun
  • I already have the coolest name: Blasty
  • I’ve watched dozens of those vomit comet videos on YouTube
  • I went to my daughter’s career day last week as a lame computer engineer. Next year? Space shuttle owner. They’re three years old so I think they’ll just assume I’m an astronaut
  • Imagine all the jokes I’ll get to make about the price of fuel—I bet Blasty holds a lot, and nothing but primo for my baby!
  • I like Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, and Firefly an age-appropriate amount
  • I will apply at most one bumper sticker to Blasty and one to my car

I realize this is just a formality but in keeping with the rules I should mention the following regarding the application requirements:

  • I have the facilities to store Blasty indoors. In the summer we can use my two-car garage. In the winter (when it’s too damn cold and I want my car in the garage) I’ll keep her at the nearby mulch company—they have a lot of experience winterizing RVs and boats so they should be able to do the job
  • I have as much experience caring for space shuttles as most people and I promise to read the manual
  • I can’t exactly cover the $28,800,000 it’ll cost to prepare and transport Blasty but I have that all figured out if we act quickly. It looks like you’re scheduled to land in about two hours. The local university has an airstrip two miles from my house—just land there!

I look forward to your favorable decision.

Michael Haren