Sunday, October 24, 2010

Herein Lies A Graphic Description of Toilet Punishment

You’ve been warned. I’d never been a knowing victim of food poisoning until yesterday. Yesterday. It actually hurts a little bit to remember the pain that was 24 hours ago.

Let’s go back. If this were a soon-to-be-canceled television show, you’d hear that harpsichord noise they make when they head into the past to remember something. We (the family) were all out at the park doing pictures and the day got away from us (I’d give a hat tip to our amazing photographer but I’ll wait for a better context). Wife had the amazing idea to pick up some Main Moon Chinese Food on the way home, which is a special treat for me (I love it). We had no idea what was to transpire a mere 45 minutes later.

sad toiletWe got home, got the kids some food and settled in to chow down. About 30 minutes into the meal, wife had some delicate intestinal issues which required immediate attention and ventilation. While cleaning up dinner (15 minutes later), I, too, suddenly found myself punishing the porcelain throne with wave after wave of shockingly intense and worrisome damage. It was very strange. I found myself back in the same position 15 minutes later. The nausea continued for a couple of hours, but my poor commode suffered no more. For some very odd reason, wife couldn’t stop laughing for a solid 10 minutes. I honestly don’t get it. I tried explaining to her that this could be pretty serious but she’d have none of it. I guess toilet humor is her thing…? (All these years I’ve been trying too hard to be funny.)

After doing a little Internet research wife discovered that we might have food poisoning but that we probably weren’t going to die (optimism!). We concluded that complaining to the restaurant was unlikely to go well so we dropped that idea, too. It was around this time that we made pumpkin milk shakes. They were awesome (really!).

shakeShortly after finishing my extra large pumpkin ice cream milkshake I did my own Internet research (I was still feeling a little nauseated). I found something wife neglected to share about what to do if you think you have food poisoning:

  • Don't eat solid foods until the diarrhea has passed, and avoid dairy products, which can worsen diarrhea (due to a temporary state of lactose intolerance).
  • Drink any fluid (except milk or caffeinated beverages) to replace fluids lost by diarrhea and vomiting.

So yeah, we were drinking soda before and after dinner and each had milkshakes. Nice.

And the kids? Fortunately for us, Thing 1 whined her way through dinner and didn’t actually eat anything and Thing 2 slept. Each child ate quite a bit of a substitute dish after all the above occurred. This (them not getting explosive diarrhea) is the best thing that has happened to us this year, without a doubt.

That’s really just a long way to say that we need a new Chinese Food place in the Kent  area. Any suggestions?